For most of my life, I knew I wanted to be a mom. For no specific reason other than that was just something I thought women were supposed to do. You grow up, get married, and have babies. Preferably in that order. Once I came close to graduating from college, I realized very quickly that I didn't have a career choice in mind. I figured I would just work odd jobs here and there until my husband and I decided to have a baby. I assumed because I didn't have a clear job calling, that being a mom was what I was created to do. While I still believe that to be true, I discovered some difficult truths during my first few days, weeks, and months of motherhood that I was not informed could happen. Some of these may not be true for everyone, or some may feel quite the opposite, but this is my blog, so I share what I want. I share this because I desire to be honest and not sugarcoat my life and feelings.
1. I wasn't immediately obsessed with my daughter like I thought I'd be.
Was she beautiful? Obviously. But that was all I knew about her. In most relationships, it takes me a while to open up. I am by no means an open book. In a way, you have to prove your loyalty to me before I share my heart with you. Sorry. It is what it is. So even though I carried Maggie around as part of my body for 9 months, it still felt like I was meeting this new person for the first time. This surprised me. I'll blame part of it on shock and hormones.
2. The exhaustion is so real.
I remember very little from the first few days. Ironically, sleeping was never an issue for Maggie. She would have slept for hours at a time if we had let her. When we took her in for her newborn checkup, she had lost more weight than the doctor would have liked. Nothing drastic, but we had to wake up her up every two hours to feed her to make sure she gained weight, and that was two hours from the beginning of each feeding. So let's say she started eating at 12, but it took her an hour to eat, and 30 minutes to get her back to sleep. It's now 1:30 and the whole routine is supposed to start all over in 30 minutes. This continued for two weeks. TWO. WHOLE. WEEKS. I know for some, their baby has a hard time sleeping well into the first year, and to you I say, I am so sorry. Those two weeks were torture. I can't imagine doing it for a year or more.
3. I missed my old life.
Having a baby was supposed to bring so much joy and happiness. For me, I would have given anything just to be able to walk around Target for hours or go inside to order food instead of taking the crowded drive-thru. Before, Justin and I could leave for a weekend trip or even just go to a movie anytime we felt like it. Now even the shortest outings were a huge ordeal. Did you get the diaper bag? Did you get Froggy (our beloved Wubbanub pacifier that has saved us many times)? Did you get the baby? Kidding. I have yet to forget her somewhere. I was so confused as to why I wasn't enjoying my time with her as much as I thought I should have. I equated it to going through a really hard breakup. I knew life with her was going to be better than life without her, but I still couldn't help but miss the way life was before. I was mourning the loss of my freedom.
4. Oh, the crying.
Not from her. Me. I don't think I've ever cried so much as I did those first few weeks. I found myself hiding in places in the house where there were no baby things and just ugly crying. I craved normalcy as I was adjusting to the new normal. I remember my first outing to Target by myself. I had to get something for Maggie and she was hungry so I had to rush in and out. I cried all the way there, all the way through the store, and all the way home. That poor cashier.
5. I got a little jealous.
I don't share well. In elementary and middle school, I would get so upset if I knew that a girl who was supposed to be my best friend spent the night at someone else's house without me. I was never really a jealous girlfriend, and I'm definitely not a jealous wife, but once I saw Justin adoring Maggie, something snapped. Call it primal instinct, I don't know. Part of me thought it was precious how much he loved her, and the other part was so jealous. I still have yet to completely figure that one out.
Let me add a small conclusion/disclosure. I realize that all this sounds SO selfish. I know there are so many women in the world who would give anything to have a baby, but for whatever reason, aren't able to. The point of this post is to share my heart and my struggles for those of you who may be expecting and are tired of only hearing things like "having a baby is such a blessing!" and need a little hard truth spoken in your direction. Or maybe some of you are like me and need to hear that you're not alone. Five months in, I can confidently say that Maggie is the biggest blessing in my life. It just took me a little longer than I expected to get there. But now I can't imagine life any other way.
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