I'm right here

For the first 6 weeks or so of Maggie's life, she hated being put down.  This was fine when she was awake, but when it came time for her to take a nap or go to bed for the night, it got a bit exhausting.  Justin and I had to eat in shifts for breakfast and dinner, but for lunch while he was at work, I had to get really good at doing pretty much everything one-handed.  In hindsight I probably could have worn her around the house, but what's done is done.  Eventually she allowed us to put her in the God-send known as the Rock 'N Play.  That's where she slept for naps and bedtime for a while, and then we finally decided it was time to transition her to her crib.  For those of you who don't know, a Rock 'N Play is basically a snuggly little bed that rocks back and forth.  Her crib is neither snuggly or mobile, so for those reasons, she hated it.  Maybe Maggie dislikes change as much as I do.  During this transition, she would just cry and cry as soon as I put her down in the crib.  She could be almost sound asleep in my arms and as soon as her booty hit the mattress, she was wide awake and screaming.  Most of the time I would just stand there and watch her for a few minutes, which probably wasn't the best option because she obviously knew I was still there and was just choosing not to solve her problem.  I'm still new to this.  Don't judge me.  One day during the usual routine, I started losing my patience.  I said in a somewhat-stern-but-not-that-loud voice, "Why do you keep screaming like I've abandoned you?? I'm right here!  I haven't gone anywhere!"  I've always heard that God often uses experiences with our children to teach us things, and this was one of the many times already that has happened for me.  As soon as the words came out of my mouth, my very next thought was Okay, God.  I get it.  It's no secret that I miss my family and friends in Texas.  Having a baby that they only get to see a few times a year makes it that much harder.  Add on to that the fact that my parents are in their 70s and there's a sense of anxiety that I have to fight daily.  I know God has a plan for me in Virginia.  But it also hurts that his plan for me here is at the expense of my elderly parents getting to see their granddaughter.  It doesn't seem fair.  I have screamed and cried at God to fix it, but it doesn't seem to be in His plan right now.  My heart longs to be content and joyful, but it's hard.  In that moment standing next to my daughter's crib, He spoke to me through my own words.  I'm right here.  This place is uncomfortable and unfamiliar, but it is where you need to be right now.  So much growth has taken place in my heart over the past 3 years of living here.  I have met people whom I have grown to love.  I've been able to fulfill my dream of coaching volleyball.  We brought our daughter home from the hospital to the little townhouse that just 3 years ago was empty, but that we are slowly filling with memories.  I am thankful for His perfect timing.  I am thankful for His perfect plan.  I am thankful that He is big enough for my questions and doubt.  I am thankful that He has put people in our lives here to love us like family.  Virginia, you still have yet to really feel like my home, but for the foreseeable future, I'm right here.