Perfection is exhausting

The past month has been absolutely crazy.  We took our youth to camp the last week of June, and just got back yesterday from a World Changers mission trip to Philadelphia.  Both were incredible.  Before I continue to share about these experiences, I must rewind.  Months 1-10 of living in Virginia were incredibly difficult.  To be completely honest, nothing in me wanted to be here.  I was resistant to get to know many people because as far back as I can remember, I've avoided vulnerability.  I like to take my time testing the waters.  Are you trustworthy or are you going to stab me in the back?  Are you going to take what I tell you and use it against me?  If you get to know the real me, will you decide I'm not so great after all?  Once I determine the answers to these questions, I can move forward.  Moving to a new place presents all kinds of problems, especially for a self-conscious introvert.  On top of the struggles already in place just because of my personality, I have found myself maneuvering around the politics of feeling like because I'm a pastor's wife, I'm not allowed to have struggles or baggage, or even be honest about how I'm feeling.  No one has told me this, but I feel an expectation placed on me to be perfect.  Unfortunately, the church (not ours specifically) has become a place where vulnerability is not encouraged, and because of that, I found myself remaining silent around the girls in the youth group who deserve my honesty.  Over the past month, I have felt God working on my heart to break down the walls I had built up to the people here.  This past week especially, I made it my goal to start sharing my heart with the girls.  By the end of the week, I was able to share things with them that a year ago I swore I would never be able to share.  I was told things I NEVER thought I would hear from them.  Things like: "You are one of the coolest people I've ever met" and "When you talk to us, it's like how a 7th grader feels when a senior talks to them".  Like.....WHAT?! ME?????  I was blown away, and partly ashamed that it took me so long to let myself open up.  I'm so thankful for God's unending faithfulness and for being patient with me.  So many things are coming up that I'm beyond excited about being a part of, and cannot be done without honesty and vulnerability on my part.  Pretending to be perfect and trying to impress people is exhausting, and can only be done from far away.  It's taken way too long, but now I'd rather be a real person who is able to make an impact from close up and let people see my messy, imperfect life.

"We cared so much for you that we were pleased to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own lives, because you had become dear to us."  1 Thess. 2:8