The thief of joy

Today at the gym (I wish I could start more sentences that way) I kept finding myself looking over at the numbers on the treadmill next to me.  While I was huffing and puffing during what was a quick jog at best, the girl next to me was making her run look too easy.  How have we been on here the same amount of time, but I've only gone 1 mile and she's gone 3?!  I wondered, in my head of course.  These kinds of thoughts cross my mind far too often, and not only when I get stuck next to Ms. Olympiad at the gym.  I look at the lives of friends, and even people I don't know that well, and wonder what I'm doing wrong.  I didn't realize the impact this habit would have on my life until I moved to Virginia.  Upon moving, it hit me that I had never been in a situation where I literally knew no one.  I went to the same school 1st grade through 12th grade.  Even going off to college my best friend and a few other "friends" were there, too.  I made a few new friends whom I still love dearly, but for the most part I was pretty content just having casual acquaintances from school and work.  Moving to Gonzales was easier than I expected.  Justin had already been there for 2 years, so everyone loved him (from what I could tell) so they were ready to lovingly welcome me as well.  This experience has been in a completely different ballpark.  I have learned some very negative things about myself through it, or at least they have become magnified, at times even to the point where I have questioned my call to ministry.  So with the spotlight on these qualities, queue the comparison game.  Why can she walk into a room and charm everybody in there within minutes?  Why am I not good at praying out loud?  How come I can't think of encouraging words that quickly?  Why did I have to move 1500 miles away from my family and she didn't?  These are the things, among many others, that run through my head when I look at the lives of others with similar callings.  Call me crazy, but I don't think comparison is limited to ministers' wives comparing themselves to each other.  It's a problem that must be fought daily.  It is linked to envy.  We look at something someone else has and not only want it, but wonder why it wasn't ours to begin with.  I'm talking about anything from the number of likes on Instagram to someone else's thigh gap, both of which I'm guilty of envying.  I have known this to be a problem in my life, but you know how I said it's a battle that must be fought daily?  I must confess, there have been many days where I have chosen to surrender this battle.  Earlier this week I was reading Beth Moore's A Heart Like His, and she spoke on this very subject.  She referenced the story of David and Goliath.  A part of this story we don't focus on as much is the part where Saul mockingly prepares David for his battle by giving him his (Saul's) armor to wear.  When David puts it on, it hangs off of him.  After all, David is a small teenager and Saul is a grown man.  Of course it's not going to fit!  David tells him that he prefers to fight with just his staff and slingshot.  Beth quotes a man named Norris Smith who says that our attempt to copy somebody else is like wearing Saul's armor.  It is a miserable fit.  God has made us to be who we are, not who somebody else is, and David was confident enough to be himself in a trying situation.  I'd say it paid off!  Had he gone out there in an oversized shield and helmet, it would have been nothing but a distraction to him and would have probably cost him the battle.  This gave me such an incredible picture.  I imagined this little boy stumbling around in this huge suit of armor, or a little girl playing dress-up in her mom's high heels.  It even made me think of myself every time I try to put on qualities I was not gifted with.  The Lord quietly spoke to me in that moment and said, "How many qualities have I given you instead?  You can make any child fall in love with you.  You can lead my people in worship.  You have a heart of compassion.  You make people laugh.  Your calling is not a cookie-cutter one.  Don't try to be anyone else.  Faithfully use what I have given you."  Remember friends, you are unique.  So what if she can eat chocolate for every meal and not gain an ounce?  So what if she wakes up with perfect hair?  So what if her calling looks easy?  But when you want to surrender your daily battle, remember that you are not the only one.  I know it's hard to look at others and be content, and even happy, with what you've been given.  I'm learning to be faithful in the little things.  I'm learning to take a look around me and see all that I've been blessed with, inward and out.  Take it from the queen of comparison, it is the thief of joy. 

John 21:21-22  When Peter saw him, he said to Jesus, “Lord, what about this man?” Jesus said to him, “If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me!”