Feelings

KK

Feelings are interesting things.  I have yet to meet someone who can control what they feel.  Sure, we may deny or suppress them, but we can't keep them from happening.  Some people have more or less than others, but regardless, they exist.  At the same time you can't hold feelings at bay, you can't force them to show up when you want them.  It's happened in many a movie, where there's nothing "wrong" with the guy, she just doesn't feel anything for him.  I think the same can be said in our (or at least my) relationship with God.  We go through seasons in which we may be totally excited to spend time in prayer and reading the Bible for a little while, and then for one reason or another, the excitement dwindles.  I've gone through both seasons, and if I'm being honest, I'd have to say that I'm currently in the latter.  I'm in a season where spending time with God for prolonged periods of time is an obligation more than anything.  I don't find the same joy in following him like I used to.  I was talking to a friend the other day who said she's struggling with the same thing, and was sharing her frustration with me.  We both know the goal. We know how we are SUPPOSED to feel.  But we don't.  There's no switch that can be flipped on to make everything exciting again.  I know I can't control my feelings, but He can.  My problem isn't my lack of feeling, it's my lack of prayer.  I have yet to ask Him to make me excited again.  (I'm sure some of you are gasping and judging at that...so be it). See, girls have this problem with wanting to be in a bad mood sometimes.  Don't try and talk us out of it, gentlemen.  It will blow over, but for some reason we savor it while it lasts.  But whatever storm I'm in started to clear up this morning.  This morning at the gym I decided to pray something simple.  

"I know I've been avoiding you and not dealing with things I need to.  I need to be reminded that you want to be around me."  

I switched my Pandora station and the first song that played was "My Dear" by Bethel.  If you aren't familiar with that song, here it is: 

My Dear

The lyrics quote Song of Solomon, which, in short, says he is totally blown away by this girl.  It also just simply says "I love you, my dear."  That's what Justin calls me.  He came to me in my moment of doubt and spoke to me using words already so personal to my heart.  Friends, we serve a personal God.  One who loves us and pursues us in our darkest and loneliest moments.  He reminded me that He will always fight for my affection, but will never force it.  

We can't change how we feel, but He can.