I'm right here

For the first 6 weeks or so of Maggie's life, she hated being put down.  This was fine when she was awake, but when it came time for her to take a nap or go to bed for the night, it got a bit exhausting.  Justin and I had to eat in shifts for breakfast and dinner, but for lunch while he was at work, I had to get really good at doing pretty much everything one-handed.  In hindsight I probably could have worn her around the house, but what's done is done.  Eventually she allowed us to put her in the God-send known as the Rock 'N Play.  That's where she slept for naps and bedtime for a while, and then we finally decided it was time to transition her to her crib.  For those of you who don't know, a Rock 'N Play is basically a snuggly little bed that rocks back and forth.  Her crib is neither snuggly or mobile, so for those reasons, she hated it.  Maybe Maggie dislikes change as much as I do.  During this transition, she would just cry and cry as soon as I put her down in the crib.  She could be almost sound asleep in my arms and as soon as her booty hit the mattress, she was wide awake and screaming.  Most of the time I would just stand there and watch her for a few minutes, which probably wasn't the best option because she obviously knew I was still there and was just choosing not to solve her problem.  I'm still new to this.  Don't judge me.  One day during the usual routine, I started losing my patience.  I said in a somewhat-stern-but-not-that-loud voice, "Why do you keep screaming like I've abandoned you?? I'm right here!  I haven't gone anywhere!"  I've always heard that God often uses experiences with our children to teach us things, and this was one of the many times already that has happened for me.  As soon as the words came out of my mouth, my very next thought was Okay, God.  I get it.  It's no secret that I miss my family and friends in Texas.  Having a baby that they only get to see a few times a year makes it that much harder.  Add on to that the fact that my parents are in their 70s and there's a sense of anxiety that I have to fight daily.  I know God has a plan for me in Virginia.  But it also hurts that his plan for me here is at the expense of my elderly parents getting to see their granddaughter.  It doesn't seem fair.  I have screamed and cried at God to fix it, but it doesn't seem to be in His plan right now.  My heart longs to be content and joyful, but it's hard.  In that moment standing next to my daughter's crib, He spoke to me through my own words.  I'm right here.  This place is uncomfortable and unfamiliar, but it is where you need to be right now.  So much growth has taken place in my heart over the past 3 years of living here.  I have met people whom I have grown to love.  I've been able to fulfill my dream of coaching volleyball.  We brought our daughter home from the hospital to the little townhouse that just 3 years ago was empty, but that we are slowly filling with memories.  I am thankful for His perfect timing.  I am thankful for His perfect plan.  I am thankful that He is big enough for my questions and doubt.  I am thankful that He has put people in our lives here to love us like family.  Virginia, you still have yet to really feel like my home, but for the foreseeable future, I'm right here.               

Mommy (or Daddy) must-haves

If there's anything I've learned in the past 5 months, it's how to streamline my diaper bag.  I thought I'd take a minute to share the top 5 things Justin and I find ourselves reaching for when it comes to Maggie.  I had to specify 'for Maggie' because for ourselves, it would probably be cupcakes or ice cream.  There are plenty of other things we use, but these are our most commonly used items.

1.  BURP CLOTHS
     This one can't be bolded, underlined, and capitalized enough.  We probably go through 3 or 4 cloths a day.  She probably spits up more than the typical baby, though.  We have learned to have one within arms reach at all times.

2.  Bibs
     Along the same lines as burp cloths. It's always easier to change a wet bib than constantly changing wet outfits.

3.  Diapers/Wipes
     I don't think I should have to elaborate.

4.  Clothes
     You never know when there's going to be a disgusting poop blowout.

5.  Bottle
     I'm still a little shy about nursing in public, even with a cover.  We always make sure to have a bottle on hand, especially if we are driving somewhere longer than 30 minutes away and she starts to fuss in the car.

What are/were your most used baby items?

The hard things nobody told me

For most of my life, I knew I wanted to be a mom.  For no specific reason other than that was just something I thought women were supposed to do.  You grow up, get married, and have babies.  Preferably in that order.  Once I came close to graduating from college, I realized very quickly that I didn't have a career choice in mind.  I figured I would just work odd jobs here and there until my husband and I decided to have a baby.  I assumed because I didn't have a clear job calling, that being a mom was what I was created to do.  While I still believe that to be true, I discovered some difficult truths during my first few days, weeks, and months of motherhood that I was not informed could happen.  Some of these may not be true for everyone, or some may feel quite the opposite, but this is my blog, so I share what I want.  I share this because I desire to be honest and not sugarcoat my life and feelings.  

1.  I wasn't immediately obsessed with my daughter like I thought I'd be.
     Was she beautiful? Obviously.  But that was all I knew about her.  In most relationships, it takes me a while to open up.  I am by no means an open book.  In a way, you have to prove your loyalty to me before I share my heart with you.  Sorry.  It is what it is.  So even though I carried Maggie around as part of my body for 9 months, it still felt like I was meeting this new person for the first time.  This surprised me.  I'll blame part of it on shock and hormones.

2.  The exhaustion is so real.
     I remember very little from the first few days.  Ironically, sleeping was never an issue for Maggie.  She would have slept for hours at a time if we had let her.  When we took her in for her newborn checkup, she had lost more weight than the doctor would have liked.  Nothing drastic, but we had to wake up her up every two hours to feed her to make sure she gained weight, and that was two hours from the beginning of each feeding.  So let's say she started eating at 12, but it took her an hour to eat, and 30 minutes to get her back to sleep.  It's now 1:30 and the whole routine is supposed to start all over in 30 minutes.  This continued for two weeks.  TWO. WHOLE. WEEKS.  I know for some, their baby has a hard time sleeping well into the first year, and to you I say, I am so sorry.  Those two weeks were torture.  I can't imagine doing it for a year or more.

3.  I missed my old life.
     Having a baby was supposed to bring so much joy and happiness.  For me, I would have given anything just to be able to walk around Target for hours or go inside to order food instead of taking the crowded drive-thru.  Before, Justin and I could leave for a weekend trip or even just go to a movie anytime we felt like it.  Now even the shortest outings were a huge ordeal.  Did you get the diaper bag?  Did you get Froggy (our beloved Wubbanub pacifier that has saved us many times)?  Did you get the baby?  Kidding.  I have yet to forget her somewhere.  I was so confused as to why I wasn't enjoying my time with her as much as I thought I should have.  I equated it to going through a really hard breakup.  I knew life with her was going to be better than life without her, but I still couldn't help but miss the way life was before.  I was mourning the loss of my freedom.

4.  Oh, the crying.
     Not from her.  Me.  I don't think I've ever cried so much as I did those first few weeks.  I found myself hiding in places in the house where there were no baby things and just ugly crying.  I craved normalcy as I was adjusting to the new normal.  I remember my first outing to Target by myself.  I had to get something for Maggie and she was hungry so I had to rush in and out.  I cried all the way there, all the way through the store, and all the way home.  That poor cashier.

5.  I got a little jealous.
    I don't share well.  In elementary and middle school, I would get so upset if I knew that a girl who was supposed to be my best friend spent the night at someone else's house without me.  I was never really a jealous girlfriend, and I'm definitely not a jealous wife, but once I saw Justin adoring Maggie, something snapped.  Call it primal instinct, I don't know.  Part of me thought it was precious how much he loved her, and the other part was so jealous.  I still have yet to completely figure that one out.

Let me add a small conclusion/disclosure.  I realize that all this sounds SO selfish.  I know there are so many women in the world who would give anything to have a baby, but for whatever reason, aren't able to.  The point of this post is to share my heart and my struggles for those of you who may be expecting and are tired of only hearing things like "having a baby is such a blessing!" and need a little hard truth spoken in your direction.  Or maybe some of you are like me and need to hear that you're not alone.   Five months in, I can confidently say that Maggie is the biggest blessing in my life.  It just  took me a little longer than I expected to get there.  But now I can't imagine life any other way.                

Birth Story

Well, friends, here I am again.  It's been awhile. Over a year to be exact.  A lot has happened in the past year.  I found out I was pregnant. With a baby. Then 5 months ago I delivered said baby.  So there's that.  I decided it was finally time to sit down and write (type) out my birth story, because Lord knows it's already starting to become just a big blur.  I will try to be detailed without being too detailed.

Let's start on February 4th around 1:00pm.  I went in for my 37 week check-up.  The doctor said everything was fine, but that I was already 3cm dilated.  She didn't seem alarmed by it, but also wasn't betting money on me coming back for another check-up in a week.  I went on with my business as usual the rest of the day.  Fast forward to 3:30am.  I woke up for probably the third time that night to use the bathroom, because that's what happens when you have a tiny human sitting on your bladder.  I drowsily walked into the bathroom, and as soon as I was about to sit down, I heard a faint 'pop' and what I can only describe as a splash of water onto the floor.  Being in the delirious half-sleeping state that I was, I thought Great...I peed on the floor.  But then as I went to get a towel to mop up the "pee", it kept coming.  I was obviously alert by this point, so I knew I wasn't peeing.  I probably spent 10 minutes Googling "what does it feel like when your water breaks" before I was convinced that's what it was.  I still wasn't having contractions either.  I called the hospital and asked them if I needed to come in.  They told me to call my OB.  I reminded them that it was 4am and my doctor's office was closed...duh.  So I called anyway and left a message for the attending physician.  I waited another 20 minutes and no return call, so I said screw it and woke up Justin.  It was a pretty chill exchange really.  It went something like this:

Me:  Hey. Wake up. I think my water broke.
Justin:  Are you sure?
Me:  Either that or I peed on myself.  But I don't think that's it.
Justin:  Okay.  I'll pack a bag.

I had been packed for weeks, but being the typical man that he is, he just needed to throw a shirt and a toothbrush in his bag and he was good to go.  I decided to take this time to put on my makeup and do my hair a little bit, because you know, priorities.  We finally left the house around 4:30.  On the way there, Justin asked me if I was having contractions, and I calmly told him, "I mean, it hurts every few minutes I guess."  Not at all the drive to the hospital I was envisioning.  We got there and they wheeled me in to the room and checked to make sure I was actually in labor, which I was.  They gave me a gown and a bag to put my clothes in and told me to change in the bathroom.  Again, super chill.  Once I was changed, I laid down in the bed and they got me all hooked up to the IV and whatever other medical things they were doing.  It was probably 5:00 by this point.  The contractions were getting a little stronger at this point, but nothing unbearable.  I had 12 years of orthodontic work, so I know pain.  I waited about another hour while watching Say Yes to the Dress, then I would say my pain was about a 7 or 8.  Side note: watching SYTTD while in labor results in thinking terrible thoughts about the women who complain about how fat they look in lovely dresses while sipping champagne.  I was crying a little bit so Justin went out to find a nurse and ask about an epidural.  I was under the impression it was a one-time shot that wore off, so I was supposed to wait as long as possible.  Once I was informed that it was, in fact, given through a port continuously, I was like SIGN ME UP.  Honestly, the epidural was probably the most painful part of the whole experience.  Mainly because all my contractions were in my lower back, and trying to sit up straight and keep still was rough.  When all that was said and done, it was around 7:30 or 8:00, and I was about 5cm dilated.  I figured I'd have awhile to go, so I tried to take a nap.  The nurse told me to let her know when I felt like I REALLY had to poop.  The kind where it's coming out SOON and you've got to find a bathroom immediately.  I got that feeling around 9-9:30, so she came in to check me and told me I was at 9cm and it was time for some practice pushes.  We did that for about 30 minutes (I think).  It could have been longer.  Like I said, it's a blur.  All I know is that I heard the phrases "I see a lot of hair!" and "Stop pushing! I'm going to get the doctor."  That's right...the nurse did all the dirty work.  The doctor came in to catch the baby and clean me up.  I didn't really care who did it, because at 10:37am, it was over.  Maggie Lane came out weighing 6 pounds, 10 ounces and was 18 inches long.   She was perfect and covered in white goo and made cooing noises on my chest and it was perfect.  When she came out, Justin said "you made that look easy!"  I guess that's because it really was!  I guess I was expecting hours of agony and screaming, but even throughout the whole pushing process I don't think I even uttered any sort of noise indicating I was in pain (which I wasn't...thanks epidural!)  I know it could have been super dramatic and scary, but to be honest, I would do that again over going to the dentist any day.  I feel like having such a great experience should be attributed to the fact that every single night we prayed for an easy delivery, and for some reason God granted that request.

So there you have it.  That's how Maggie Lane entered the world and changed our lives forever.  Another post to come on the things motherhood has taught me.            

My 5, 10, or 20 minute makeup routines using drugstore products

I've always been pretty girly.  I can remember going into my mom's makeup kit and putting on her blue eyeshadow and red lipstick when she wasn't paying attention.  (Side note: my mom never worked as a party clown, this was just the early 90's.)  Once I hit adolescence and encountered all the glorious wonders it worked on my skin, makeup became less fun and more of a necessity.  Unfortunately, my skin never got the memo that I am no longer 12, as I still deal with breakouts.  Thankfully, I have learned which products to use and which ones to avoid to make sure I don't aggravate my skin even more.  I usually wear makeup in some form every day.  Some days I wear more than others depending on the time I have to get ready.  I wanted to share my three easy routines that I use when I have 5, 10, or 20+ minutes to get ready for going out the door!

Before...
I always start my skincare routine by cleansing and moisturizing (preferably something with an SPF).  I find there's no worse feeling than putting makeup on a dirty or oily face.    

5 minutes...
-BB Cream

This stuff is pretty awesome, and I think it was only like $3 at Target.  It works similarly to a tinted moisturizer.  It doesn't have much coverage, but it masks any redness and makes my skin appear to be all the same tone.  I use the shade 01 Light.

-Powder

I know I said drugstore products, but I have never found a powder better than this one.  You can buy it on Amazon for around $25.  I normally don't spend more than $10 on any product, but this is my exception.  I love GloMinerals because it's mineral based (if the name didn't give it away) and it has the best coverage out of any powder I've ever used.  I would highly recommend it! I used the shade Natural Fair.

-Blush

E.l.f. products are pretty incredible given that most of them are less than $6.  I like this blush because it's the perfect shade of pink to give my cheeks a little pop of color.  This color is called Shy.

-Mascara

I have 4 different mascaras that I really like, so I switch them up depending on which one I grab first.  I find that mascara is one of those basic things that unless I wear it, I don't even look fully awake.  All of these are in some shade of black.

 

 10 minutes...

 

All of the above, plus:

-Foundation

The Almay brand is my go-to when I want good coverage without looking cake-y.  It also has salicylic acid in it, which helps to clear any breakouts while it covers them.  Way to pull double duty, Almay!  The 3-in-1 from Covergirl is my newest foundation, so I'm still getting used to applying it.  I think I prefer the Almay one though.  Almay is in the shade Buff 200 and Covergirl is in 810.

-Concealer 

We all know the frustration of having breakouts that still seem to show through even when you feel like you've caked your face in foundation.  I'm obsessed with the L'Oreal True Match concealer.  It works wonders for covering up anything.  I use the NYX stick more for undereye circles since it's kind of the consistency of a crayon.  L'Oreal is in the shade C-123 and NYX is in Porcelain.

-Eyeliner

This eyeliner is new, but I already love it.  I apply it with the slanted brush pictured below.  Since I'm pretty pale, I feel that black eyeliner can tend to look a little harsh on me, so I opt for some shade of brown.  This one stays put and has a nice shine to it without looking cheap and glittery.  This is in the shade Brownie Points.

20+ minutes...

All of the above, plus:

-Primer

I've been recently loving using this primer right after moisturizing.  It helps keep my foundation smooth and not slide off from getting oily throughout the day.  

-Shadow

This shadow palette was super cheap and it has everything needed for a pretty smoky eye.  It comes with a highlight shade and an lid primer.  This one is in the shade 945-Midtown Mauve.

-Lipstick

Any sort of lip color is super recent for me (with the exception of playing with my mom's lipstick as a child).  I always felt way too done-up.  But let's be honest, if Taylor can pull off a red lip (classic thing that you like) then, by golly, so can I!  Maybe not...but I decided it was worth a shot.  I haven't done it too often, but I think it looks really pretty for special occasions.  The red lipstick is in the shade 308-Retro Red and the berry color is in 501-Berry Rich.

A few other products...These are all the brushes I use.  From left to right:  angled brush for eyeliner, powder brush for concealer, fluffy powder brush, eyeshadow brush, foundation brush, and blush brush.

 I hope this was helpful!  If not, sorry for totally wasting your time, but then again, you're the one who sat and read the whole thing.  Let me know if you have any questions about any of these products!

 

 

Half marathon update

My half marathon is just under two weeks away.  I had big dreams of completing it and feeling super accomplished, but at the moment it's looking like I'll be doing good just to finish at all.  About three weeks into training, I started noticing a weird pain that ran all the way down the outside of my left leg, mainly focusing on my knee.  I looked it up and it appears to have something to do with my IT band.  For awhile I tried to push through it, but it got to the point where all I was doing was limping.  Pretty soon I was limping even when I was just walking.  I could barely put weight on it when I hadn't been running for days.  I don't think that's normal.  I would take a few days off and then try to get back into the swing of my routine, but it just wasn't working.  I knew I would have to take off longer than a few days to fully recover, so I didn't run for about 4 weeks, hence the lack of training posts.  I finally started running again last week, but having taken off a month, it was rough.  I'm now back up to 4 miles, but I have resolved myself to the fact that this race is going to be awful.  I'm going to do the best I can anyway.  I am most likely going to sign up for another one in the fall so I have plenty of time to prepare and do even better.   

Training- week 2

This week was a little better as far as time goes, but I've still been having some problems with my lower legs.  I started a new training method where I'll run for 4 minutes, then walk for one minute, and continue that pattern until I've completed my mileage.  I have found it to be pretty helpful, since mentally it's much easier to push myself for 4 minutes at a time than to think "okay...I've got 4 miles to go.."  But that's just me.  I've had to run on the treadmill this week since it's been pretty cold, or maybe I'm just a wimp.  For the running segments, I would set the speed anywhere between 6.2 and 6.7 mph (avg pace 9:40 to 8:57) and my walking pace to 4 mph (avg pace 15:00). The average pace evened out in the end and I was pretty pleased with my times considering it was only my second week, but two of those days I would get about a mile in and the shin pain would come back, so I'd have to walk more often than I would have liked.  I'll most likely take a week off or so, just to rest my legs and rule out a stress fracture.

Tuesday- 3 miles, avg pace 10:30

Thursday- 4 miles, avg pace 10:30

Saturday- Supposed to be 4 miles, but ended up 2. Avg pace 10:22
This was when I really started to worry about the pain in my legs.  I thought I could finish my miles by walking, but even that was pretty excruciating, so I decided it was time to stop.

I was supposed to run 3 miles today, but like I said, I'm taking a few days to a week off just to rest and ice my legs.  We'll see how it goes after that.